At their regularly scheduled meeting on Monday evening, City Council will review four proposals by City Staff for a public monument honoring all of WeHo’s past and present councilmembers, a group which includes themselves.

“The City of West Hollywood is filled with rich history,” says staff’s report on the agenda item, authored by Mayor Pro Tem John Erickson and Councilmember Chelsea Byers. “For more than three decades, West Hollywood has been one of the most influential small cities in the nation; no other city of its size has had a greater impact on the national progressive public policy agenda.”

Um, OK … well let’s hear those proposals.

PROPOSAL 1: A PLAQUE*

That’s it. It’s just a thing on the wall with names and dates.

ESTIMATED COST: $30,000 (!!!)

PROPOSAL 2: PORTRAITS OF PROGRESS

To show solidarity with the spirit of the times, local artists will be conscripted to paint the walls of our biggest buildings with fun, retro outdoor artworks of the Councilmembers. Inspired by the highly-effective propaganda posters of China’s beloved Chairman Mao, the murals could be didactic as well as cute, for example, reminding citizens that using the wrong pronouns is an act of violence, or warning them of the consequences of not paying their parking tickets.

ESTIMATED COST: $1.5 million for materials and property seizures; forced labor is free labor.

PROPOSAL 3: THE COUNCIL COLOSSI

Two giant nonbinary human figures will be carved from single blocks of white marble and placed on the east and west gateways of town a la the Colossus of Rhodes. They will tower more than 300 feet above WeHo, providing law enforcement and code compliance with two 360-degree observation stations and encouraging the citizens to associate the City Councilmembers with demigods. The faces of the statues will be covered in LED panels like the Pendry, allowing them to “wear” the visage of a different councilmember every 10 to 15 seconds, followed by a 30-second ad from a corporate sponsor. The potential revenue could cover the costs of construction in a mere 200 years.

ESTIMATED COST: $240 million

PROPOSAL 4: THE LANDMAIDEN’S TALE

There’s only one councilmember this project is really intended to honor, and its name in this dimension is Abbe Land. Staff will oversee construction of an interstellar warship in Land’s image, mechanized buzzcut and all. The Landmaiden, as the galaxy will know it, holds a giant vacuum cleaner, ready at a moment’s notice to suck up political campaign contributions from developers, dreams of opening a small business, “urban youths” shopping at Supreme and other environmental contaminants. Unhoused community members will also be swallowed by the vacuum, but they’ll be saved by its multimillion dollar Holloway Motel filter, which will trap them for eternity. The citizens of WeHo will swear fealty to the celestial dominatrix in a public unveiling ceremony, where staff expects she will plant a gentle kiss on the porcelain foreheads of Mayor Pro Tem Erickson and Councilmember Byers before powering them down and tossing their lifeless android bodies into the blue bin for Athens to recycle. The other past and present councilmembers will have their names etched in fine print on the bottom of Landmaiden’s stiletto heels. “Where they belong,” Goddess Land has proclaimed.
ESTIMATED COST: Your immortal soul

✿.｡.:* ☆:**:. ≋A≋P≋R≋I≋L≋ ≋F≋O≋O≋L≋S≋ .:*:.☆.:｡.✿

This article contains fictional elements and is written in jest. Please do not take its content literally or personally.
*Proposal 1 is real. They’re actually going to spend $30K on this.