Council moves to ban turkeys on Thanksgiving Day

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The WeHo City Council had an oven-roasted debate over the fate of the turkey population. Members of PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, lined up to speak at this past week’s city council meeting.

“Turkeys are intelligent animals who enjoy having their feathers stroked and who like listening to music, with which they’ll often loudly sing along. In nature, they can fly 55 miles an hour, run 35 miles an hour, and live up to 10 years,” stated PETA in a press release issued to the Council.

A number of speakers took to the public comment podium to chirp their thoughts. Among them was Danielle Wilson, resident and director of Local Unite the Turkeys Union. “Our turkeys receive no vacation or sick pay. We are asking the council to approve one free month of vacation pay and two months of uncompensated sick leave for each turkey and ham. Our turkeys and hams cannot afford to live in West Hollywood and must travel great distances to be eaten in West Hollywood.”

Keith Kaplan, former Chair of the West Hollywood Chamber of Commerce spoke about the economic impacts of such a ban. “We need to stay competitive with our neighbors in Beverly Hills and Los Angeles to enjoy Thanksgiving Day. Who doesn’t love turkey breast?” Kaplan said.

The audience hissed with oinks and chirps, calling Kaplan a racist over his preference for turkey breast.

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Mayor Shyne led off the council deliberations. “I hear you, I see you, I hear you. It is a crime to misgender a turkey or a ham. The turkeys and hams deserve equity. Turkey, life, freedom!”

Mayor Pro Tem Erickson followed shortly thereafter. “I am in support of this item. West Hollywood was founded as a sanctuary city and stands firmly against the mistreatment of turkeys and hams.”

Councilmember Meister was asked her preferences. “As a person of Jewish faith, it is against my religious beliefs to support this item. I’m supportive of the turkeys and the hams but will be voting against this item.”

Councilmember Byers spoke to the heart of the holiday. “We can reduce carbon emissions if we stop over roasting turkeys and hams. I’m a vegetarian and cannot support the genocide of turkeys.”

Councilmember Heilman spoke last. “I agree with all of my colleagues, but I cannot support this item and think it should be tabled.”

The city staff report concluded:  This item is consistent with the Primary Strategic Goal of the City of West Hollywood. In addition, this item is compliant with the goal(s) of the West Hollywood General Plan and the West Hollywood Vision 2020 plan that encourages strategic opportunities and limits the choices within the City.

Footnote: This item is tongue in cheek. Please make sure to enjoy your Thanksgiving Day.

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Johnny
Johnny
6 months ago

This has to be a really great example of the idiocy and mismanagement of a city. Banning Turkeys! This city seems only interested in cannabis revenue and taking money from developers. How stupid stupid stupid. And the Mayor keeps sending me requests for donations when she has the IQ of a fern by even having such ridiculous topic on the agenda. Honestly with the homeless issue, the do nothing ambassadors and crime – this is pure trash. What an embarrassment if this was shared across the nation! So sick of this and honestly can’t wait to sell some of my… Read more »

It's a joke not a d...ate relax
It's a joke not a d...ate relax
6 months ago
Reply to  Johnny

Ummmm…maybe take a deep breath and a little time to read more than just headlines. 😂

Renee S
Renee S
6 months ago

Laugh out loud funny 😂

Sassy
Sassy
6 months ago

The sad part is that we have a few Far Left lunatics running this city that would absolutely try to ban this and every other traditional holiday.

ASD
ASD
6 months ago

Thank you Larry for giving me the best laugh of the day.

Funny
Funny
6 months ago

Laugh out loud. For West Hollywood it’s almost plausible

Joshua88
Joshua88
6 months ago

Happy Feast Day, everybody!

Cy Husain
6 months ago

There are a number of Plant-Based Alternatives to Turkey that are delicious, nutritious, healthier for you and, more sustainable than factory farmed meat for your Thanksgiving Indigenous Sovereignty Dinner. We should create alternatives to celebrating the American Nakba that nearly wiped out the Indigenous People, enabling euro invaders to steal their land and later acquire wealth as slave owners.

Gobbledygook
Gobbledygook
6 months ago

This legislation is fowl!

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