President’s Day: the annual moment when Americans pause to honor the nation’s highest office by… well, mostly scoring discount mattresses and half-price appliances. Yes, our forefathers fought for liberty, justice, and the freedom to snag a memory foam mattress for $399.
Originally established to celebrate George Washington’s birthday, President’s Day has since evolved into a catch-all homage to every commander-in-chief who’s ever signed a bill, delivered a State of the Union, or posed awkwardly with a turkey in November. Lincoln got folded into the mix, then all the rest came along for the ride—because if there’s one thing Americans love, it’s turning a handful of familiar names into a national holiday—and quietly ignoring the rest.
But how do we truly honor presidents past? Certainly not by memorizing tax policies or reading up on the Monroe Doctrine. No, we honor them by embodying their spirit. Washington braved icy waters at Valley Forge; we brave icy beers that were pushed back too far in the fridge. Lincoln upheld unity; we unite around the In-and-Out drive-thru. FDR gave fireside chats; we chat screenside, conversing with the world through a glowing sheet of semiconductors. Tradition endures.
So this President’s Day, go ahead—buy that discounted blender, grill those hot dogs, and maybe, just maybe, give a nod to the folks whose legacies made it all possible. After all, democracy means never having to pay full price for a recliner.
God bless America—and the 20% off sale on patio furniture.
What is more American than a paean to capitalism?