Full-figured dogs in West Hollywood are furious over City Council’s decision Monday night to segregate the city’s dog parks.
Vice Mayor Chelsea Lee Byers led her colleagues in approving policy that divides the parks into areas for “small” dogs and areas for “big dogs,” i.e. those weighing over 35 pounds.
Muriel, a 4-year-old mixed breed in the Norma Triangle, literally peed herself as she watched the council meeting on TV with her furdaddy, Michael De La Isla, a tax accountant and pole dancing instructor.
“How dare those bastards tell me I’m too big to play with the other dogs!” barked Muriel, who refused to give her weight. “What happened to inclusivity? When did West Hollywood become Birmingham, Alabama?”
L’Assie, a Rough Collie who lives with her two dads in the Domain, was equally outraged at the measure.
“Sorry I’m not, like, slender and perfect like the vice mayor,” L’Assie quipped. “But why they gotta shove me in the fat ghetto?”
Most upsetting is that the provision does not apply to small dogs, who are allowed to play in the big dog areas if they choose.
“Now we know what apartheid feels like,” said L’Assie’s father, Johnny Fantasia, a medical transplant coordinator and licensed pyromancer.
Fantasia is organizing a peaceful protest this week that will bring together dozens of big-boned dogs and their families outside City Hall to demand change. The plan involves a hefty lunch and a lot of civil disobedience.
“I’m calling it a ‘Shit-In'” Fantasia said.
Animal psychic Dr.Svetlana Kvitalashvili, better known as @MadamWoOoF on TikTok, fears a dark age is dawning for dogs in West Hollywood.
“Negative impact to soul cannot be underestimated,” Kvitalashvili told WEHOonline via Zoom from her Spaulding Avenue teletherapy clinic and hair salon. “All the living things is deserving of love and respect. Even if they plus size!”
Council was saddled with making a choice on the issue after the Public Facilities Commission could not come to a consensus on the item.
Muriel says a clear bias is emerging in West Hollywood government against dogs like her.
“How am I going to get to my groomer on Fountain after they rip up the roads? Is my dad supposed to take me on his bike? Obviously I don’t fit in the basket.”
This article contains fictional elements and is written in jest. It should not be taken literally or personally.
Cute!
When does the series start, Brandon?!!! Sneak peak??
Good thing I read the disclaimer stating the article was written in jest.I would have thought dogs can read and write and be aware they are subject to discrimination.OK, just a fun article trying to make a point.
Foofy dog owners deserve to be segregated. That way we can laugh at their inability to deal with the real world.
Is it possible for something to be done to segregate having to be in the same park with Chelsea Byers or John Erickson?
yes, just don’t go. I am sure they don’t want to be in the same park as you.
My neighbor Pat, a freelance dominatrix and an LAPD reserve officer, says their 38 lb dashshund is still whining about the news and took a poop inside the Pavilions this morning in protest.
West Hollywood Park has had a small and large dog park for as long as I remember. No one follows posted rules. Weight is the least of the issues with the dog parks, people dumping their dogs in the enclosures and heading into the rainbow district. Unsupervised dogs is the real issue.
Or people who dump their kids in the park and go shopping, treating the park as a petting zoo.