May is Mental Health Awareness Month and an opportune time to take a self-care inventory. One useful place to begin is with a concept that shapes nearly every relationship we have: boundaries.
A boundary refers to the personal limits, principles, and values we establish and maintain in relation to others — friends, family, significant others, co-workers, neighbors, or general society. A “violation” occurs when reasonable boundaries are challenged or were never set in the first place. Those struggling with inadequate self-esteem, addictions, abusive relationships, or other mental health conditions often have some boundary issue at the root.
Unfortunately, the average person may not be especially mindful about the concept of boundaries — either their own or those of others. The immeasurable influence of technology, social media, and normalized public displays of sometimes outrageous behavior often undermines the notion of healthy limits.
Part of the challenge is that individuals determine what a healthy boundary is for themselves. How much thought does a person genuinely give to what they’re doing, saying, or creating — and how those actions impact someone else? That level of insight is juxtaposed with how aware individuals are of their own self-care and internal dialogue.
Codependency occurs when one person is overinvested in taking care of another’s needs in lieu of their own. The boundaries in these relationships tend to be deficient, vague, “fluid,” or rigid. As opposed to self-devaluation or a need to control others, healthier boundaries include maintaining respect for self and others. Clear, assertive, respectful communication is preferred over passive, avoidant, or passive-aggressive patterns. A basic indicator of codependent boundaries and deficient self-care is an aversion to accurately expressing “No” or “Yes.”
Elevating the level of introspection means getting curious about self-care and what healthier boundaries look like personally. It may entail rebuilding the ability and empathy to consider how your behavior will impact others — and, more critically, how you may be allowing their behavior to affect you. Twelve-Step programs like Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) call this taking an inventory that assesses “defects of character.”
Implementing healthier boundaries means reprogramming faulty thinking. Clinicians sometimes invite clients to “fake it ’til you make it” — to engage in behavior that resembles a healthier boundary, whether or not it’s fully understood or feels natural yet. For example, a person who habitually agrees to plans they don’t want to attend might practice saying “that doesn’t work for me” — not because the discomfort has disappeared, but because acting the part is how the pattern begins to change. Self-care must start somewhere. For some, this may mean learning to communicate feelings with less concern about seeking approval. Making efforts to be less focused on external validation and people-pleasing is a logical starting point to combat poor boundaries and codependency, improve self-care, and hopefully decrease the adverse effects of mental health conditions.
The work of building healthier boundaries rarely looks dramatic. It often begins with something small — pausing before you respond, noticing how another person’s behavior is affecting you, or allowing yourself to say no without explanation or apology. That’s where self-care actually begins.
Joseph Contorer, MA, LMFT, is a psychotherapist and author of You’ve Been Blocked, The Search for Gay Male Perfection. Learn more at theblockedbook.com
