Bitches Love Bubbles: Where WeHo’s dogs go to get gorgeous

Lola and Bastille love to get dirty before they get divine.

Once or twice a week, the brother-and-sister Goldendoodles take a rigorous hike up Runyon Canyon followed immediately by a specialty grooming and styling ($115) and 15-minute deep tissue massage ($20) at Collar & Comb in West Hollywood.

“The sponsors cover the expenses,” says Bastille, who is executive producer of his sister’s popular OnlyFans channel.

Nestled amidst the glitz and glamour of West Hollywood lies a collection of doggy day spas that cater to the whims and fancies of the elite canine class. These opulent establishments go above and beyond to ensure that their furry clients receive services at the zenith of decadence.

“Some people be like ‘That’s too much for a dog,'” Lola says, “but they don’t live in WeHo.”

Collar & Comb is opening up a new location at the southwest corner of La Cienega and Santa Monica Boulevard, bringing their unapologetically bougie services (“Antibacterial Moisturizing Facial,” limousine car service) and zero-fucks-given zeal (“We’ll scrub your pussy” in big, bold letters on the store windows) to this blighted commercial corridor.

Sebastien is a Brussels Griffon who models leather and accessories for Ruff Trade and lives at the Pendry. He gets his hair cut twice a month at the Chateau Mar-mutt.

“The cut has to look good with everything, whether it’s a harness I got on, or like a ball gag … otherwise it’s not sexy,” Sebastien said. “Not every groomer gets that.”

Every time Luscizz (rhymes with “rushes”) has to go somewhere below Sunset Boulevard, the middle-aged maltipoo is overcome by anxiety. The COVID-19 pandemic only heightened her fear of venturing beyond the walls of her home in the hills behind the Andaz. After her psychiatrist was stripped of his license last year, she had no option but to turn to mobile grooming.

“The pandemic really upended all of our lives,” Luscizz says. “With Wet Paws (her mobile groomer), I get safety, I get convenience and I don’t waste a Xanax.”

Ignatius, a.k.a. Iggi (not pictured), lives in his boyfriend’s penthouse condo on Kings Road. The Tibetan Mastiff is working on a bespoke line of sustainable moccasins and ballet flats for dogs, but he still escorts from time to time.

Iggi’s theatrical, gender-neutral look was conjured up by the artists at DogueSpa.

“My look is who I am,” Iggi says. “If they can’t see my outside rainbow, they can’t see my inside rainbow.”

West Hollywood Pet Mayor Chloe is also known to be a loyal patron of Doguespa. She didn’t return a request for comment.

😆 This article contains fictional elements and is written in jest. Please do not take its content literally or personally. 😆